查看完整版本: 在七夕天

在七夕天

如果有人告诉我，
世界是平的，
我为何去争辩世界是圆的？
如果有人告诉我，
今天只是情人们的节日，
那又凭何去要挟寂寞青丝。
当所有尘埃落定一生的时候，
城市的高架桥，
还是农村的机耕路，
喧嚣，会为你扬起另度空间。

多少个夏秋，
耳旁驻扎的知了，
在细雨疏桐里
在烈日骄阳下，
深情脉脉。
我们不习惯听蝉说它故事，
因为听惯了历史的教导，我们
终是痴情于千古，
却百般娇柔造作，
一张画皮下，
藏一颗人心看似不错。

台风赶在今儿与我见面，
要我知道雨水洗刷不了，
我身上的泥土，
为什么？
别忘了你的出生是一个传说。

[[i] 本帖最后由 xipi 于 2011-8-8 14:45 编辑 [/i]]

一直挺喜欢楼主的作品的，你的那首《…三点四分》还让我佩服你的急才呢。
你的这诗歌，有你对七夕的独特见解，比喻形象别致，可能你觉得在你看来，很多东西都是赤裸裸的吧，但这里是非成人区，如果换些文雅点的修饰词，可能更贴切些，你说呢？
送个红心，期待你修改后的作品，也期待你的更多佳作，加油兄弟！

楼主意思是要表达七夕情人们的爱情吧，咋又扯到了拾荒者，拾荒者不懂七夕吧，主题在哪，看不出，如果说七夕日情侣们只是以性来表达爱情，似觉牵强了，感觉思维过于跳跃，不连贯，有断点，读来不知所云，败兴。建议大修改一下，以飨读者。

[[i] 本帖最后由 ganggang6688f 于 2011-8-7 13:52 编辑 [/i]]

因为节日的关系，会勾起人们很多对过去种种的回忆，有些片段自是可以引起作者好多情感的涟漪。七夕这一个中国传统的节日，如今已经渐渐有了很浓郁的文化特色，中国人开始从官方到民间重视我们自己的传统节日了。说起来，浓厚的文化底蕴还需要我们不断的开发和挖掘，只有不断的延续的文化才是民族的，更是世界的。
兄弟的诗入笔处，令在下有些期待，以为着眼于世界。细细读来方才发现，原本不是，希望我的话对楼主今后的诗歌创作能有点作用。

回复 2楼 的帖子

感谢版主提醒，我今后会多加注意，言行举止得体。

回复 4楼 的帖子

4楼的兄弟，说得没错，我已经停笔了4年之久。所有的灵感与技巧，都随着时间荒废了不少。

笔生需多练，
灵感如泉现。
愿君挥洒文墨间，
自有喝彩一大片。
嘿嘿…都不知道自己在写什么，总之加油吧，嘿咻！

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